Breathe Again
by islandgirl123
Summary: I never expected her to be my other half, the only thing I would surely suffocate without.'Meredith reads Derek's letters. MerDer one-shot.


She's got this journal filled  
with all her black ink guilt  
and love is the only thing keeping her alive  
she's got her mind made up  
that all she needs is love  
her heart is the only thing helping her decide  
to breathe again, to breathe again

-'Breathe Again' Jimmy Robbins.

Not even her little angel could reduce the pain she felt in her heart. Little Soleil who was usually the shining light in her life couldn't comfort her. Not today. Not _ever_.

Meredith Grey-Shepherd was a widow. She was widow with a three year old daughter she had to raise alone. She cursed the heavens for being so jealous of her short-lived happiness. She spent over a month mourning for the loss of her soul mate, her other half. Unfortunately, that month seemed too short. Still, she couldn't deal with the thought that she would forget him. Her stomach churned whenever she passed by his room or saw his face in their pictures. Her mind throbbed whenever her sweet little child would ask for her father. Her heart ached when she would dream about him but wake up to a world where he didn't exist anymore.

She wasn't a big believer in god, but she did believe in fate. She believed her fate wasn't doomed from the beginning because she was gifted with the best ten years of her life. She wept because those ten years, no matter how long and pleasurable they were, weren't enough for their growing family.

Derek was her world and Soleil her sun, moon and stars. She couldn't bare the thought of losing both of them, just thinking about it made her sick to her stomach. They were both irreplaceable in her eyes, and just thinking that Derek wouldn't be back to raise their child with her made her feel like dying.

When he died, it killed a part of her. That part controlled her mind and her heart. She simply couldn't think because she would be reminded that yes, he was gone. She couldn't feel because that would wreck the shield of numbness she had put up for herself in the month that he had been gone. Her little child was going to grow up without a father. It was one thing she hoped would never happen to anyone else in this universe, much less her own child.

"You promised me you wouldn't leave me again." She whispered. "You promised me you would never leave." She sobbed, feeling tears run. "I love you, Derek. How am I ever going to live without you?"

She lived with Cristina and Owen. Whatever she did encouraged their fear of her instability. It hurt her to think that they had a whole life ahead of them but she didn't have on with Derek, not anymore. What hurt her most though was that her angel wasn't able to process the fact that her daddy would never come back again.

Her quiet little child was with her friends. She wished for Soleil's presence because she needed a reason to keep herself together. Ah yes, her friends. All of them dropped everything to be at her side when they heard the news and she will be forever grateful. She knew it was especially hard for Mark to step in because he had just lost a brother.

She felt herself break down; just like every hour of the day she lived without him. The urge to be strong was losing against the feeling of loss. "How could you be so selfish?" She cried breathlessly, her body shaking with rage. "You left our child without a father and me without my heart." She whispered. "That's right Derek, you took it with you. It was yours the moment we met."

It wasn't raining though her tears could be enough water for a drought. Fate seemed to like to laugh at her this year. The window was open and the wind entering the small room. The soft breeze wasn't complementing the war she held inside herself. "Please, make this all some awful nightmare." She begged. "You weren't supposed to leave me." She choked out, feeling a ball of nausea.

There on the dresser, under her rings, lay a letter addressed to her from Derek, the day he went into surgery. She had yet to open it because she was afraid she would loose whatever part of him she still kept with her. Anger bubbled up inside her at the thought of it. "You left me!" She screamed, her eyes were heated and her voice pained. "I need you and you left me! Why Derek? Why?!" She hears herself scream profanities that would usually make her feel ashamed. It didn't now. She heard the door creak open and cried even harder, but felt a pair of hands envelop her in an embrace.

Her best friends were at her side, night or day, they were there and willing. "I know it hurts." Came Izzie's soothing voice. "I know it eats you up inside so much that you can't breathe." She said quietly, rubbing her back. She tried to drown out Meredith's sobs and screams but they were too much for her, she too felt her eyes water up. "But you have so much more to live for Meredith. You have a daughter that loves you above any other thing in this world."

"He left me." Meredith cried, rocking back and forth. Her eyes met Cristina's and noticed her pained look. She dreaded to see her best friend like this and vulnerable that it just got to hurt. "I love him." She whispered. Her voice was hoarse which caused Alex to wince.

"I don't doubt that you did." Izzie said quietly. Alex looked at his wife and noticed the soft, loving look in her eyes. This was her expertise, showing sympathy to those who really needed it. He then looked at Meredith, a person he would gladly call his sister. He cursed Shepherd for leaving her broken and depressed.

"You have so much to live for." Izzie repeated, closing her eyes.

"Does it ever get any better?" Meredith asked, a whimper escaping her lips. "I miss him so much." She cried.

Reluctantly, Izzie shook her head. "It's always going to be there, but sometimes, just sometimes the pain is masked by the happiness the rest of your life brings you." She whispered. "It's going to be hard but you have the rest of us, including Soleil to help you through it Meredith. You've just got to remember that you're not alone in this Meredith, you are not alone."

Oh the irony, the best Neurosurgeon on the coast, dead because of a _brain tumor_. The idea just made her stomach churn. It wasn't his fault that he was diagnosed with Grade four Astrocytoma. It wasn't Derek's fault that he was diagnosed with a lethal brain tumor and that he had less than two weeks left. It wasn't his fault that he was drained and exhausted that he couldn't fight the disease.

She was full of bitter denial and everyone knew it. No one dared cross her until now. "Stop bitching Meredith." Cristina snapped, which caused everyone to shoot her a nasty glare.

"No, don't stop on my account." Meredith snapped back.

"Stop bitching and moaning and get on _with your life_." She said angrily, moving closer and her voice dangerously loud. Meredith wore a disbelieving look on her face.

"Christina!" Izzie shouted warningly.

"You sound like he actually left you willingly!" She yelled, her voice filled with distaste. "You sound like you have nothing left. Do you know that he loved you? Do you know that he would rather die than see you this way?" She gasped, feigning surprise. "Oh yeah, he did died. It would hurt him so much Meredith, if he only learned that you're throwing your life away."

"Fuck Meredith, you are a doctor, you're a _good_ doctor! You have an ability that not everyone has! You have the ability to_ save_ lives, you have the ability to _change_ lives." She breathed out. "And believe me, right now, the world can't afford losing someone like that. Nor can Soleil." She said. Meredith's head snapped up at the mention of her daughter. "She needs her mother, this, right here, isn't her mother _at all_. And honestly? This may sound a lot selfish, but I really want my best friend back."

Alex and Izzie had their mouths open but neither could speak a word. Suddenly, a giggle escapes from Meredith's lips. "I think she's gone crazy." Alex mock whispered to his wife. Izzie slapped his shoulder which caused him to wince and Meredith to laugh even harder.

Soon everyone burst into laughter and giggles. "I guess I needed that." Meredith breathed out. "I guess I needed that a lot." She said, her voice dropping. Everyone nodded.

Mark and Lexie walked into the room and looked at both of them questioningly. "Hey." Mark said glumly. "Soleil's with Bailey and Tuck." He offered. Mark's eyes darted to the dresser where the letter was.

"Have you…?" He asked quietly as they both sat down on the floor.

Meredith shook her head. "I just couldn't." She sighed. "Can you please read it with me?" She asked quietly. A second later, Alex nodded and reached for the letter and opened it. Inside were a few pages of notebook paper and one longer one. It was all stapled messily together which caused Meredith to cry in remembrance.

Meredith's eyes watered when Alex started reading.

"_12 August, 2003_

_We told each other about our pasts, and I became aware of her difference from all the others. I mean, if you combine all the love I've given all the others before and compare it to the love I'm giving her now, the affection I've for her is so much more. The intensity of all these feelings I have for her exceed normality._

_I guess it was meant for her. Actually, I know it is. And I wouldn't want to have her any other way. It's not too soon to say that it's perfect_'."

His voice was full of emotion that Meredith didn't know he could evoke, both herself and Izzie had tears in their eyes. He passed the letter down to Izzie who flipped the page and opened her mouth to read the sincere words.

"_26 July, 2010_

_We've been married, really legally married, for two months today. It all feels so fast. I haven't even gotten the chance to catch my breath then the next thing I know, we've been together for 61 days already. Maybe it's cause our relationship's so pleasurable and rapturous that the duration of our time with each other never occurred to me. She leaves me aghast. I seriously have confidence in the fact that if I never met her and if I've never fallen into this deep love for her, I would remain to be completely blinded and played with by love. She gives meaning and reason to every insensible thing; she gives life to every lamented part of my body. My affection for her comes with perpetual devotion and proliferate intensity." _

Meredith's hands were covering her mouth as she cried. They had finally had a city hall marriage, though it didn't make anything less official. She leaned into Cristina and her friend rubbed her back soothingly. The next words were from Lexie.

"_19 February, 2011_

_I am emotionally affected by everything she does. Or is it everything she__doesn't__do? Yet I do believe that I'm just overreacting. I guess it's just cause I love her too much and it breaks my heart to be away from her and not be able to talk to her properly and stutter when I speak when I'm with her cause her presence is simply far too overwhelming. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew she's the only girl who could ever make me feel two very opposite things at once._

_I wish she knew that in my eyes, she's sensational." _

Lexie's voice was soft and humble, just like Derek's was when he choose to. Her mind fluttered back to that year, when their pettiest fight had occurred. She had been overly frustrated and fierce at that time, he could no longer hold in his patience. They had spent a week away from each other, no communication whatsoever. She wished she could have that week back and do it all over again. Lexie passed it to her husband beside her.

"_5 November, 2012_

_Whenever I'm with her, I feel like nothing could go wrong. I feel like the world stops for her and that I'm just left to catch my breath and freeze like everyone else, but my heart continues to beat because hers still does. Not even the greatest force in this entire galaxy would be able to compel me to abandon her. Nothing. Nothing will make me stop loving her. I've been doting on her for quite some time now, and I'm self-assured that I would never want to stop. I'm in too deep- more in vertical extent than the sea._

_I employ her as my most valuable possession. She's something that can't be bought from me even at the highest possible bid. She's irreplaceable, the only one out there. And her worth? Well, she's priceless. Take everything from me, and I wouldn't mind just as long as she stays with me. She's my prime source of viability, and I would relatively suffocate if I lost her." _

Mark chooses his moment to make everyone lighter that he tried to copy Derek's voice unsuccessfully. But soon, he too felt his eyes water, along with everyone else in the room. He knew that his brother well and he didn't doubt that whatever was said wasn't a lie. Finally, Cristina lifts her head and reads the last page of notebook paper.

"_28 March, 2013_

_I never expected her to become my other half, the only thing that I would surely suffocate without. I didn't presume that she was the one who I'd love this way under any circumstance. Though I'm very glad that it's her. There's no one better for the position, no one who could make me happier. I feel utterly lucky in every single way. Yet surprisingly, she doesn't think she's good enough. I don't think she'll ever accept her utmost perfection. Nevertheless, I'd still persist on convincing her that she's free from any flaw or defect in my eyes. I know that if I search the world and even beyond for someone even just slightly comparative to her, I'd come to nothing but the obvious idealization that she possesses the highest degree in captivating my heart. She specializes in that field. She's an expert when it comes to taking away my pain and leaving me with all the happiness in this planet._

_I love her, and just her. I don't want to be with anyone but her." _

Finally was the page that stood out the most. Christina passed the paper to Meredith and she began tearing up as she read the words that made her miss her husband even more.

"_23 October, 2013_

_Dear Meredith, _

_If you are reading this, I have probably just entered into surgery._

_So here attached are my little notes I've written over the past ten years I've met you. I bet you're wondering 'why the fuck is he writing?' right now but I just want to show you, the best way that I can, how much I love you. Because I do, I love you a lot. _

_I'm so proud of you Meredith. I can't even express it in words because I adore you more than I have ever thought possible. You've been so strong, for both yourself and for me. I don't know how I can ever be the perfect match for you Meredith. I'm so sorry you had to be my knight in shining whatever and not the other way around. I always feel like I have failed you when you have been so perfect for me. _

_You've given me a daughter that I love more than life itself. You have given me your love which I continuously cherish everyday of my life. You have been the best wife and mother any man or child can ever hope for, Mer. I don't know who I'd be without you and I can't be any sorrier about the pain I have caused you. All my life, my dream was to make you happy just as you have made me. _

_And if the time comes too soon, and I would have to leave, I want you to know that I love you more than anything. Please, even if it becomes too tough I beg of you… I beg of you not to mourn but instead, continue being the person you were. My sweet, wonderful, beautiful and amazing Meredith, nothing in this universe can make me stop loving you. _

_All the love in the world, _

_Your Derek."_

"I love you and I miss you so much." Meredith spoke, wishing he could hear her.

And somehow, all of them knew he could.


End file.
